Okay, so I knew this might happen, but I guess I didn’t think it would happen so soon…I missed a week in my Operation Passion journey. I’m not really sure how I feel about it yet, trying to practice the art of self-forgiveness and not be too hard on myself, but it’s hard and I’m disappointed. I guess the real question is why, and I’ve spent some time over the weekend thinking about it…it’s been a convergence of several different things, all rolled into one.
So I’ll start by saying I thought about a few things this week that I could have used for my adventure, but they just seemed a bit mundane. The first was picture framing and hanging, which I spent a few hours doing on Monday night. I bought some gorgeous prints from Etsy, and spent time framing them and hanging them (which was an adventure in patience I’ll tell you lol!), but I felt because I didn’t set out to make it my adventure of the week, it would be “cheating” to use it. For the record, here’s one of the awesome new pieces of art hanging in my apartment:
So the next adventure I considered using was my solo trip to the mall this week. Now this might not seem like a huge deal to most, but because I don’t drive I’m ALWAYS with people when I go shopping. So on Wednesday I took my new BFF public transit up to the mall, and spent hours there wandering around and even ate at the food court alone. For me, this was big because I’m really uncomfortable being on my own in public, and often feel that people are judging me. I had a great time though, and the trip was a successful retail therapy venture. Again, because I didn’t set out to use this as my week’s adventure, I decided I wasn’t going to fake it and use it.
Now I hate to make excuses, so I won’t, but I do want to say that it’s been a really rough few weeks around here. My (soon-to-be) ex-husband has really been giving me a run for my money mentally, and all the stress has triggered a psoriatic arthritis flare up, which basically means being in excruciating pain all the time. It wasn’t until I started to live with chronic pain a few years ago that I truly understood how pain can affect us. I’m less efficient at work, can’t concentrate, feel depressed and irritable, am constantly exhausted (like fall asleep in inappropriate places exhausted lol), and have just generally felt very low. It’s hard to keep a positive mindset and move forward in a direction of happiness and love when you’re hurting physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s had me feeling very stuck and very unmotivated, and it’s just been tonight (seriously) that I’ve started to realize I’m coming out the other side. My ex is making decisions that hurt me to my core, and that I’ve been ruminating on endlessly, but I realized tonight that accepting we can’t control things doesn’t mean giving up our power, it means taking it back. Instead of feeling powerless in his decision making, I’ve decided to take my power back and not let his actions rule my life and happiness – it’s the first time in a while that I’ve felt like I’m in control of how I feel, and I have to say, it’s so refreshing. That’s one thing I’m going to work on being grateful for every day – the power we have to control our own happiness, destiny and actions – what a blessing it is.
So the moral of the story (or the post as it may be), is that I’m totally bummed that week 6’s adventure is getting pushed back, but I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I feel like I’ve made a personal transformation this week that is so much more important than any activity I could have done – I’ve taken my power back and I don’t intend to give it away easily again! As always, thank you for reading and for your support! XO