A little Tuesday love…

Short and sweet tonight…I’m working on an actual post but am literally painting trim for a living these days in preparation for putting my house on the market next week. My right hand is basically disfigured at this point, but I’m pretty confident I could start a paint company and KILL it with the skills I’ve developed over the past few weeks lol 🙂 

So yeah, speaking of starting new things, I’ve been thinking a lot about BIG dreams over the past week and I’ve realized that I need to keep moving forward with passion in my heart and soul as I figure out where I’m heading next. On my to-do list this week:

1) read the book on turning your blog into a book that I picked up today;

2) reach out to the bloggers I know to research what makes them so successful; and

3) keep telling fear to fuck off every time it tries to tell me I’m better off being safe and comfortable. 

Easy right?! I’m alllllll over this!! Very excited to continue discovering the surprises 2016 seems to have around every corner for me ❤️ and to dance with my fear every step of the way! Up next…thoughts on what I’ll expect from the next (let’s face it, VERY lucky) man in my life…til then XO

  
  
  
  
  

Give me salty air and the wind in my hair…

I’ve always said that travel revitalizes my soul, and my week out in Eastern Canada has only served to solidify this for me. Canada is the most majestic country in the world (in my opinion) and I’ve always said that I don’t understand how any Canadian would choose to live anywhere but the East or West coast (all while I still live in Ontario haha). The mountains and majesty of British Columbia and the coastal amazingness and quaintness of Nova Scotia are some of my favourite things in this country, and Halifax has not disappointed this week!

Not only have I had the joy of spending time with one of my very best friends in the world for the past few days, but I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy the salty ocean air of the Eastern shore, and reinvigorate my body and mind in a place that feels very much like home to me (my maternal grandma was from Nova Scotia, and she met my grandfather here while he was stationed at Annapolis Royal in the Navy). It’s amazing what a few days by the sea can do for your soul!

 I can’t say I’m back to my old self yet, or that my heart is mended and full again, but I CAN say that this mini escape has reminded me of how much awesome there is in the world and how much awesome I have in my life. It’s been so incredibly freeing to pick up and just get away from it all. It’ll be even MORE freeing to pick up and go just because I want to explore, and not because I’m trying to escape my life. I’m confident that’s where my mindset will be as I begin to plan my next getaway to Europe (oh yeah, that’s happening verrrrry shortly…very very!!)! Time to get free my friends! XO

    
   

Where do all the lonely hearts go…part 2

Well, it’s finally time to bang out part 2 of my loooooooong post about heartbreak, confusion and moving on. It’s been kind of a crazy and unexpected week, and of course it’s been nothing short of emotional having to spend hours and hours and hours with my ex at the house we’re selling, but all in all I feel really good about where I’m at. I’m still incredibly confused about what happened with my disappearing guy, but I’ve realized I really only have two choices right now – keep moving forward, or allow the sadness and disappointment to take over.

The challenging thing about having to move on from a freshly broken heart is muddling your way through the quicksand of what to do next. The incomparable Samantha from Sex and the City famously says (and I quote) “the best way to get over one guy, is to get under another”, but that’s definitely not my game. I just don’t think that rushing into bed with some new dude does any woman any favours when it comes to mending a broken heart. I’m a firm believer that we need to take any experience thrust upon us and learn more about ourselves from it, which brings me to a rookie mistake I made earlier this week.

In a moment of weakness (and late night boredom), I downloaded a new dating app called Bumble that my girlfriend recommended. I didn’t want to go back on Tinder because I think I still have PTSD from meeting Ghost Guy on there, so I thought I’d try something new. Bumble is essentially the exact same thing as Tinder, but once you’re “matched” with a guy, the girl is the one who has to initiate conversation…I think this made me feel like I’d have more control or something, so I decided to give it a shot. I realized two things very quickly:

  1. I still miss Ghost Guy a lot. The incredibly strained, BORING ass conversations I had with a couple guys on Bumble only served to remind me of how easy and good things were with my short-lived bf, and it made me really sad. You just don’t find connections like we had every day online (or in person), and it frustrates me to think about how annoying it’s going to be to have to start over from scratch again (and again and possibly even again); and
  2. There are some MAJOR freaks out there. I was having a seemingly normal chat with a guy named John last night, and in that casual conversation he sent me a link to his website. I soon found out that this website is essentially a chronicle about his penis. Size (5.5″ in length and girth for those of you wondering), his masturbation schedule, and some pictures for good measure (honestly, I am still suffering the effects of seeing this shit). Like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT is going on in the world?! And what was he hoping to accomplish by sending me this nonsense?? Seriously!!

So yeah, I feel like the combination of these experiences has lead me to a very real break up conclusion – there’s no need to rush into something new just to try to get through the pain of something ending. A mistake made by many women the world over of course, but it’s one I’ve decided I’m not going to make if I can help it. My answer instead? I’m re-shifting my focus back to ME, and figuring out what MY next steps are, not how I can find a new man to fill a void that will not go away that easily. I need to keep writing, and dancing, and doing the things that fill my cup with passion and joy and love, and the rest will figure itself out eventually.

Another great quote from Samantha – “this love stuff is a motherfucker”, and you know what? It really is! BUUUUUUT when you find it and it’s good, it’s SO worth it. I’m more than happy to wait for it to turn up again, and in the meantime I’ll take Carrie’s advice to just “laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason”. Word. XO

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A brief interlude…

Well, I know I owe you a “part 2” and I swear it’s coming!! Crazy week over here with many unexpected nights at the house I own with my ex-husband…we’re putting it on the market in 2 weeks (finally!!) and I’ve been painting, puttying and sweating like a real deal hard worker 😉

Anyways, two more days of blood, sweat and tears and then I’m off to Halifax for a very highly anticipated mini vacay!! For now, here’s a reminder from Bob… 😉 XO

Where do all the lonely hearts go…part 1

I’ve only ever had a really hard time writing two blog posts…one about my trip to Nashville last summer (which I never published because I couldn’t get it out) and this one, which I’ve started and erased several times, and still don’t really know how to start or what I want to say. Part of me just wants to vent about how much is sucks to have your heart broken (again), and part of me just wants to forget it ever happened and move on. In being true to myself though, and working through the process, I feel like I need to write.

I’ve started re-watching Sex and the City this week, and I can’t even believe how relevant this show is to my life now that I’m a 30-something single woman. I always loved the show when I watched it in my 20s (and by loved I mean was obsessed with lol), but I’m not even kidding when I say that every single episode is an epiphany right now, as I once again find myself struggling through the emotions that come with losing someone from your life that you care about.

Now I never talked about the new guy in my life on here for a few reasons. The most relevant one being that he read my blog, and I didn’t really think that letting someone I was just getting to know “in” on my private thoughts and feelings (about him) was a good idea, at least not at the beginning of our relationship. I mean, I’ve always kind of thrown myself into past relationships very quickly, but after what happened with my (soon to be ex) husband last year, I am guarded and not quite as trusting, and just really wanted to take things slower this time around. This was thankfully made a bit easier for me because we were in a unique situation as it was…this guy and I met online (see my past post about joining Tinder for details 😉 ) and he was deployed overseas so our relationship was developed solely online, and not in person. Basically, this means that over the past four months we started a relationship by exchanging hundreds (seriously, last he told me I think it was over 400) of emails, thousands of texts and instant messages, and spent hundreds of hours talking on Skype and online. Eventually, as we connected further, my emotional walls came down and I really started to care about this guy A LOT. We talked about being exclusive, the words boyfriend and girlfriend were thrown around, and lots of big plans were made for when he got home this February.

I have to tell you, telling people that I’d fallen for a guy online that I’d never met was met with loads of skepticism, criticism and some confusion (and encouragement, love and support too), but I had faith that what we had was real and I knew that my feelings were super real. I consider myself a very intuitive person, and it just felt so right. There was a chemistry and a bond there (again, all this having never met) that I couldn’t ignore, so despite my reservations and fear, I jumped in head (and heart) first. I came to really trust him as we got to know each other, and probably even love him a little, and was just so incredibly excited to meet him.

So fast forward to two weeks ago when he was heading home, and was sending me excited, super sweet and thoughtful messages as he boarded the plane about how he couldn’t wait to meet me, how much he cared about me, and how amazing I am. I can honestly say I have never been more excited to meet someone, and for the promise of what could become something amazing. And then…silence…or I should say one email, and then silence.

I don’t even know if I can properly express the emotions that I’ve felt over the past few weeks, but if I had to put it on paper (which clearly I do) I’d have to say pain, confusion, hurt, bewilderment, frustration, sadness, fear, worry, CONFUSION (I could write this one down about 200 times here), and basically every other emotion that comes when you realize your heart is about to be broken. No answers, no explanations, no sense to be made of anything, just SILENCE. Like seriously, what the motherfucking fuck? The one email I got had absolutely no information that could’ve led me to believe that anything was wrong, in fact it posed a question, gave me information about what his plans were, and implied that he still planned to come out and meet me. So what the hell happened??

I still chuckle when I think about my sister’s response to the situation. “This is actually the worst thing that could happen to someone like you…you’re so in your head, you’re just going to try to figure out what happened on a loop ad nauseum”…I feel like she couldn’t be more right. The hours I’ve spent trying to make sense of the senseless in this situation have certainly been the most frustrating hours I’ve spent in awhile. I mean, why even start something with me online, carry it on for months and then not put the effort in to meet me in person and see what happens? There’s just nothing about it that makes any sense to me. I’ve obviously thought up a few (million lol) reasons why he would ghost out, but what I have to come to terms with is the fact that I really may never find out. I still find myself expecting to hear from him with an apology, or an explanation, or SOMETHING…wishful thinking maybe, but I guess it’s still hard to believe that I’ll never hear from him again.

I’ve found myself wondering since this happened, how someone could convince themselves that just disappearing is better or fairer than being honest about why you’ve changed your mind. Like what could you possibly say that would be worse than nothing? It was all a joke to you, and you didn’t mean anything you said? Okay, well seems like I’ve dodged a sociopathic bullet. You met someone else that you like better? Hard to believe but been there done that…my husband left me for a girl he met online through nude photos last year – I’ll be okay. You’ve decided you don’t want a relationship anymore? Well, that’s dumb because I’m awesome, but your loss. See?! Nothing is worse than nothing.

So now, the hard part…moving forward and working through the hurt. You know, it’s funny how you almost forget how shitty it is to have your heart broken…I joked with my friend the other day that it’s like how women forget how much childbirth hurts so that they get pregnant again and rock that whole evolution thing. I have to wonder, if we really remembered how much break ups suck, would we ever put ourselves out there again? Obviously we would, or we’d all be single for life, but I have to be honest, it’s a lot to think about right now…

Okay, so this is not where the story ends…it’s rah rah, pick myself up and put on my big girl panties time, but I need sleep so part 2 will follow tomorrow…XO

Sunday funday…

So I’m on my 3rd coffee of the day coming off an awesome weekend that was just so much fun, I can’t even. Funny enough, I had to spend a few hours with my ex-husband this afternoon and was kind of worried it would put a damper on such a great few days, but it ended up being easy and painless…a big change from our usual interactions, as you know. More proof that being happy and working to create a positive mindset can be so transformative, even through the challenging times we face. 

I’m reading a great book about being mindful in our every day lives, and learning to practice gratitude as a habit, and I’m really loving it. Focusing on today and not ruminating on the past or future is one of my biggest challenges, but I’m working on it…more to come on this tonight or tomorrow…for now, I’m en route to spend the evening with my family…yay!! XO

 

Oh hey there weekend…

So I am FINALLY feeling better physically after being sick af for over 2 weeks…like I seriously hadn’t been sick in over a year and this shit just kicked my ass. What’s the point of telling you this?? It’s freaking time to celebrate!

I love a busy weekend, especially one that involves parties and alcohol. Coming up on two nights of awesomeness (including an open bar tomorrow night, what?!) I am just so excited to spend time with my girls, get my vodka on and just HAVE FUN! Time to dance my ass off, maaaaaaaaaaaybe sing some karaoke and get silly as fuck. #pumped

PS: goal of the weekend…NO DRUNK MESSAGING!! (Friends, please read and take note!!) XO

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