So I had a disagreement with a friend today, and it’s left me feeling really unsettled. Not only did I feel hurt by the argument, but I know she did as well and that’s just never good on a gloomy, rainy Monday 😦
In short, I felt like she’d changed our plans for a guy (which was a reason I didn’t agree with), and she felt like I wasn’t being honest about why the choice was bothering me (and that perhaps I’d have done the same thing in her situation). I decided I needed to do some reflecting, and get to the bottom of what was REALLY bothering me about the situation (and then write about it of course).
I have spent A LOT of time in past relationships making choices out of fear and changing myself (not for the better I might add). I would choose my partner before friends (every. single. time), and have hurt a lot of people in my life in the process. As recently as my relationship with my ex-husband, I had such serious trust issues (not going to say ‘I told you so’ to myself on this one or anything, buuuuuut lol) that I would more often than not say no to plans with friends because I didn’t want to be away from him. What kind of trouble would he get into if I wasn’t there? Would he meet someone else? Would he go out with his friends and cheat on me? Would he really (REALLY) like his alone time and decide he didn’t want to be with me anymore? These are questions I have literally asked myself 1 million times since my first serious relationship started when I was 14, but guess what? In spite of my best efforts to keep my three (serious) boyfriends/fiances/husbands by my side at all times so they wouldn’t cheat – they all did. Yes, you read that right…THEY ALL DID.
I will delve more into that trifecta of awfulness at a later date, but for now I will just say that one thing I’ve decided definitively is that I will not let myself be in another relationship where I let insecurity take hold of me. I will not need to be attached to my partner’s hip, in fact I will relish in the time I can spend alone, enjoying my (newfound) passions, spending time with my family, enjoying my friends, and just generally loving my kick ass life. I won’t kid myself though, I know how easy it is to slip into old habits, I saw it happening with Ghost Guy earlier this year, so I think there’s a lot of fear surrounding this past pattern for me in future relationships. How will I be able to move forward and find a partner that complements my life, and not rely on someone to complete it? The answer is truly that I just have to do it, easy as that! Breaking old habits can be hard as hell, but living the same relationship over and over and over again is WAY WAY WAY harder! And maddening…seriously maddening. So yeah, my number one priority when I meet someone new – stay true to me.
So this takes me back to my Monday morning argument with my friend. I think I reacted so viscerally to hearing she wanted to change our plans, because it brought so much fear to the surface for me. As irrational as it may seem, it made me feel like this was something I could do (again) in the future and it scared me! In fact, it scared me so much that I judged her, and I shamed her (unintentionally) and I had no right to do any of that (don’t worry, lots of apologies have been exchanged!). I believe the lessons I’m taking away from this whole debacle are that a) I need to be aware of how my own reactions can be fueled by fear and emotion; and b) that I need to have confidence in my resolve to have a different kind of relationship with any future partners. I KNOW I can trust myself, I truly love myself for the first time I can remember, and I need to continue to have faith in who I am and what I want. Oh, and to remember that the Universe has my back and will only keep sending the same lesson until I receive and learn from it ❤ XO