Earlier this week I wrote a post about how great I was doing with my eye surgery recovery and that I was on my way to kicking keratoconus’ ass…well, that damn eye disease decided it wanted to have the last laugh and swung back at me…UGH!
At my post-op appointment on Tuesday I found out that what I believed was just a change in my astigmatism (which I thought would account for the extreme blurriness in my left eye even with my glasses on) is actually a blind spot that has developed since my surgery…yeah, cue panic, terror and unbridled fear here. I have to tell you, I literally FREAKED OUT after my surgeon told me this (even though she said it shouldn’t be permanent), and have had a really hard time bouncing back. I consider myself a pretty positive person who really tries to focus on the good in every situation, but I have been SO down since my appointment and am really letting fear take over my sensibilities.
I think it’s very natural to go to a worst case scenario place when we’re faced with a serious obstacle in our lives. Whether it’s the end of a relationship, a struggle at work or a health issue, it is so incredibly easy to sink down into that pit of despair and not know how we’re going to get out of it. I immediately went into victim mode, feeling SO sorry for myself – like here I am with all these awful things that have happened to me, and now I’m going blind on top of it all…I think at one point I even said to myself “well, at least I saw the mountains before I went blind”…like seriously, how does it even get to this point so quickly?!
I’m all about taking time to work through sadness when it comes, but I’m not okay with allowing myself to get all crazy angsty about something that has not even happened yet. Why have I just resigned myself to blindness (for those of you wondering how I’m writing this post, just imagine me wearing an eye patch and it’ll all make sense…gulp)?! My surgeon told me I have a blind spot that should clear up, not that blindness was inevitable, so why is it so easy to conjure up this doomed fate in my mind? It’s that damned fear that comes knocking whenever hardships arise…it can creep in slowly, or hit us with a sucker punch all at once, but it’s always there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for weak moments. Knowing that, and making the choice every day to choose light and love and happiness instead of darkness and hate and anger, is the only way to combat fear and not let it take over our lives.
So tonight, I will go to bed and be grateful for my perfectly healed eyes, and tomorrow morning I will wake up and meditate and give gratitude for my perfectly healed eyes, and every time that fear comes around, I’m going to make the conscious decision to give it the old heave ho. I’m going to have gratitude for not only what I HAVE in my life, but what I want to MANIFEST into my life, and right now that means a pair of healthy eyeballs!
There’s a part in this amazing book I love (Zen and the Art of Happiness) that basically says, it’s easy to be happy and positive during the good times, but it takes real tenacity to be happy and positive through the rough times. Here’s to not giving up, and staying tenacious – I’ll update you on my peeper situation as developments come! XO