Flip that self-belief switch…

Do you ever have those moments when you’re just cruising along, not really feeling like anything’s out of the ordinary and then someone says something and it’s like BAM! All of a sudden you’re mixed up, twisted around and not sure what the hell is going on in your world? Welcome to the week of November 21st through 27th for yours truly lol. It all started innocently enough…had some great wins at work on Monday, and was just living my life, working my booty off getting ready to teach some dance classes next month (that snuck up quick, huh?!) when Wednesday rolled around. That afternoon, I was chatting with a good friend (who I spend a lot of time with), and she asked if everything was okay with me – I seemed ‘off’. I reassured her that I was fine, was just having a long week, but it got me thinking – “hmmmm, am I really okay? What prompted her to ask that question?” Now follow up her innocent comment with one from my sister on Friday morning – “Are you okay Heath? You seem off…not your usual happy self.”,and a bit of a tail spin ensured! Why were some of the most important people in my life implying that I wasn’t acting like myself?!

Self-doubt can be a real mother effer. I’ve written about it before (recently actually!), and even being aware of it doesn’t stop me from facing the challenges of doubting myself regularly. I suffered from anxiety and mild OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) throughout my younger years (teens and early 20s), and I find that at times those old tendencies can come back to haunt me, especially when I’m in a place where I’m not 100% trusting of my thoughts, my actions or my judgments. When self-doubt is kicking around, I find it really hard to make decisions, and that’s where I found myself last week – doubting EVERYTHING! I AGONIZED over which new iPhone case I should buy (like was seriously asking strangers in the store for their opinions, AND my 11 month old nephew who doesn’t talk what he thought lol), and that’s when I knew things had gone a bit too far…it was time to reel myself back in (especially because I had a tattoo appointment that very afternoon!)! Nothing like needing to make a decision about something permanent being drawn onto your body when you’re doubting even the simplest of decisions, right?!

I knew I needed to bring myself back to reality, but that didn’t happen before my brain conjured up a million mean-spirited, awful questions in my head. What am I doing with my life? Why am I writing a book? Who do I think I am creating a website to help others when I’m clearly incapable of making the simplest of decisions for myself? Why are people asking if I’m okay – is something wrong with me? It’s honestly crazy how quickly I can go from being completely at peace (albeit a little stressed) to this horrible, self-deprecating place (yes, it really does get that dramatic lol) in the blink of an eye! I don’t know, maybe I’m alone in this, but it’s certainly not the first time something that should be ‘no big deal’ has me questioning my abilities and spinning a bit out of control. To look on the bright side of things though,  the best part of dealing with this kind of situation many times in my life is knowing that I get to choose how quickly I recover from my limiting beliefs and thoughts.

I will tell you that my sister did ask (as she dropped me off for my appointment) if I should really be getting a tattoo in my current state of mind lol, but I knew that I just needed to flip my switch back from self-doubt to self-belief, and I’d get to a place where I could make any decision laid in front of me. I know I make it seem so easy writing it here – just decide to believe in yourself and you can do anything! Seems kind of ridiculous (and perhaps simplified), right?! I’ll tell you something – it’s really not! Our minds are powerful, powerful tools and we get to wake up and choose happiness every day. How we react to every situation put in front of us (and the crummy things our brains can sometimes tell us) is OUR CHOICE. We have so much power over our lives, our desired outcomes, our day to day living (with some guidance from the Universe of course), that we can choose to defy any limits our minds set within us. We are truly limitless, and so I’m trying to make it a habit to choose to move mountains to accomplish my dreams, believe in myself and follow my true North Star every day. Hence, my new tattoo below 😉 so in love with it, and everything it means to me (YAYYYY, good decision Heather lol!!)! ‘Til next time, keep that switch flipped my friends!! XO

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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try to forgive again…

I was away in Kingston this past Friday night for an annual trunk show I do with a friend. It’s always an awesome time, so this year I decided to meet up with another friend afterward and extend my mini vacay over the whole weekend. We thought it would be a good time away from home, and that we’d find some super fun bars to check out in a new town. While it DID end up being an awesome weekend, it didn’t come without some serious levels of anger towards a certain someone that were rather unexpected…let me explain further…

You may (or may not, depending how long you’ve been following my blog!) recall me writing earlier this year about Ghost Guy…a person I met online last November who I essentially had a four month relationship with before he disappeared off the face of the earth. It was a seriously devastating experience for me because after everything I’d been through with my ex-husband, I allowed myself to open up to this sociopath (sorry, I did mention some residual anger, right?!) and honestly thought I’d met an amazing man. He was hilarious, and sweet, and attentive and kind ANNNNNNNNND totally not who he said he was, but I didn’t find that out until it was too late. At this point, I’d suggest reading these two blogs to catch up…Where Do All the Lonely Hearts Go Part 1, and Where Do All the Lonely Hearts Go Part 2…good back story, I promise!

So as I was enjoying my time away this weekend (brunches, massages, dinners, Irish singing concerts, drinks, etc.!), I couldn’t help but think about Ghost Guy (from what he told me, he was stationed in Kingston) and some serious emotions started resurfacing. I definitely don’t think about this guy much anymore (save for the occasional drunken rant lol), but after the way I felt this weekend, I’m pretty sure there needs to be some additional closure work done here, especially since I want to move forward in a positive way. I mean, he did just completely disappear without a trace, a word, a peep, and that shit is REALLY hard to understand, but I also believe we can’t move on from negative situations with love and light in our hearts until we truly let go of anger.

Now for the record (AGAIN), I really thought I didn’t care about what this guy did (to me) anymore, but then I started searching through old emails looking for a picture of him to show my friend (she thought her boyfriend might know him), and I came across something he wrote me, and this is what got me seriously fired up:

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So this was one of HUNDREDS of emails we exchanged, but I think it resonated so deeply when I saw it again this weekend because I let this guy into my head and heart when I shared my blog with him last year (WELL before it was public to most people!). That was something that was REALLY hard for me to do…trust someone again…and after he read everything I’d been through with my ex, he STILL decided it would be cool to trick me, pull the wool over my eyes, bamboozle me, however you want to say it, and that is just a really, really awful thing to do. Like seriously, hooooooooow do people like this exist in the world?! It honestly really, really hurt to relive the shame and pain of that whole situation, and that brings me here – to writing about it.

I guess what I want to get across in all this mumbo jumbo I’m rambling on about, is how easy it is to be taken right back to a place of hurt, anger, despair, pain, etc. in one quick second. How it can feel like all the progress we’ve made can disappear in the blink of an eye, but the truth is that that is JUST NOT THE CASE. While this experience was a blast from the past I wasn’t expecting, it was also the Universe’s way of reminding me that we can’t just work around our problems, we need to work through them. The progress I’ve made isn’t GONE, I just have more to make, and that comes from working through hard things (like disappearing men for instance!) one step at a time. I need to feel all the feels about this guy, and continue reminding myself that someone else’s inability to see or appreciate my awesomeness – DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS AWESOME! I am enough, always have been, and always will be. No one else can define my self worth, or make me feel anything less than amazing if I don’t let them…so, so important to remember! So yeah, don’t mind me while I keep doing my self-love work, and rising above all the challenges that come my way…and as for Ghost Guy, he’s just another bump in the road  ❤ XO

 

Full moonin’ and self-doubtin’…

So yesterday there was another gorgeous super moon in the sky (we witness about 4-6 of these babies a year), but it was especially brilliant because it was the closest the moon has been to earth since 1948! I’m not sure about you, but I find that I’m much more emotional around the full moon every month, even though scientifically it’s never really been proven that there’s a correlation between moon cycles and human behaviour. I know my ex-husband wouldn’t even go out with his friends when there was a full moon, because he had a history of (let’s say) dramatic behaviour, and I’m sure you’ve heard the words “must be a full moon out” uttered before when people, or your kids, or yourself (haha) are acting out in an exceptionally high-strung way.

I write about this today, because the past few days have felt really overwhelming for me. These feelings all kind of convalesced last night while I was meeting with the amazing website designer who’s creating my new passion project with me, when I started crying out of nowhere! I was looking at all the decisions I have to make over the next few months, and I felt paralyzed. In that moment I felt so scared of making the wrong choices, so scared of failing, so scared that this isn’t the right path for me, that I literally just couldn’t make a decision – cue waterworks. It’s amazing how we can be SO SURE of what we’re doing (and just to clarify, I do KNOW with 100% certainty that I’m following my true North Star with this project), but yet how easily we can succumb to our self-doubt and our self-limiting beliefs. Last night it almost felt like a switch flipped off for me, and I couldn’t see the light anymore for a minute there…luckily I had an awesome friend on hand to steer me back to the light, but it was definitely a moment of panic that didn’t feel great!

I was listening to the final Q&A call of my course with Jen Sincero yesterday morning, and she said something that I’ll never forget. It was so simple, and so true. She told the question-asker that no matter how well things are going along in life, no matter how perfect it all seems, we will constantly face hurdles, battles and regressions. They can come spaced out, or all in a cluster (seemingly) at once, but they are put in our path to challenge us to do better and because they are part of our plan. They can be painful, stressful, pull-your-hair-out annoying, but each of these experiences helps shape our true selves, and molds us into the strongest type of human beings we could ever hope to become.

So after all that turmoil (I’m still blaming the moon a little lol), last night I went to bed feeling incredibly grateful for all the obstacles I’ve been through over the past few years, and all the moments of self-doubt that have forced me to trust myself and my intuition in a way I never have before. These are the moments that remind me that I’m completely unstoppable, and that no matter what happens with anything I do in my life, it’s all part of the plan to get me to where I need to go. I’ve heard at work for years that if your goal or plan doesn’t make you feel physically ill, then it’s not big enough, and I FINALLY know what they were talking about…eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!!! XO

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God bless America…

Today is a very sad day. I kind of feel like I’m in the movie Armageddon and we just found out that the asteroid speeding towards the earth couldn’t be stopped. White America has spoken, and the first ever president with absolutely zero military or political experience has been elected to office. Of course on top of being unbelievably unqualified for his new role, Donald Trump is also a racist, misogynist, xenophobic fool who has made his platform hate. Plain and simple, he wants to build walls to keep refugees out, will immediately deport 11-20 million undocumented immigrants, will all but refuse entry into the country for Muslims, and that’s just immigration. He’s also promised to elect a radically right wing judge into the 9th Supreme Court seat, to reverse abortion laws (horrifying fact – more than 200,000 Anerican women died each year from illegal abortions before Roe v. Wade), to cancel Planned Parenthood, to repeal same-sex marriage laws, and just basically disassemble the USA that my American neighbours have been proudly creating for centuries. 

So where did it all go wrong?! It’s really hard to say…in this terrifying video, James Carville says he think the Democratic Party may have dropped the ball, been too confident. I know that when my ex-husband and I were finishing renovations at our house in April, he talked at great length about Bernie Sanders and his new partner’s support of him. He swore that if Bernie didn’t win the primaries, none of his supporters would vote for Hillary. Guess maybe there was some truth to that?! The sad thing is though, the only people who will suffer from that kind of voting (or lack thereof) are the very people Bernie wanted to support the most – women, African Americans, Hispanics, Muslims, and the LGBT community. 

I have been a Hillary supporter (yes, as a Canadian) for decades, and my heart hurts for her today. I’ve cried, I’ve gotten a little rage-y and I seriously can’t even look at a picture of her right now without feeling heartbroken. She was supposed to be the first female President of the United States of America. She is absurdly qualified, and 100% the right person for the job. I know she’s not perfect, no politician is, but her career in politics and the law has been incredibly impressive. She should be celebrating with women all over the world today, not conceding defeat to an arrogant woman-hater. 

So where does the world go from here? As stock markets plummet, as currencies around the world nosedive, and as humans who’ve had the horrifying realization that more than half of the world’s  “greatest” nation have enough hate in their hearts to vote for a man who is abusive, disrespectful, bullying, a sexual predator and who spews venom with an ease that is remarkably alarming. That is honestly the scariest part of this all to me, that so many people can want this hateful man to lead them and their country and their CHILDREN for the next 4 years. Cue heart breaking (more). 

I’m out and about right now, been through Downtown Hamilton and now into Burlington and it is a somber day for humanity. Very little talking, just shell-shocked expressions and half-hearted smiles. We all need some time to mourn what has happened, what this will mean for the displacement of power in the world (think Russia, China) but in all this sadness, I have faith that love will prevail. I even wonder if this could be a way for America to heal it’s fractured population? A man so polarizing that all minority groups band together to spread love and light, and protest his actions every step of the way. I know I’m a Canadian and many people will wonder why I’ve written this, why I care, why I feel the right to an opinion. It’s because I am HUMAN and the reign of Donald J. Trump will affect everyone on this planet. So let’s all try and be vessels of love today (and for the next 4 years), and spread the word that one man will not erase all the love, light and hope that exists in the world. Of that, I’m sure. XO

All the feels about dating…

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy last week (yes, I still watch this beautiful relic of a show!) and one of the story lines really resonated with me. It involved two characters, April and Jackson, who used to be married but are now navigating co-parenting while living together, but not being in a relationship…basically lots of great soap opera drama-type stuff 🙂 This week April joins Tinder because she decides on a whim she wants to start dating, and the whole swipe right or left and go on dates thing is a bit hard for her to wrap her head around…sound like anyone else you know lol (read an oldie blog post here for details!)?!

So towards the end of the episode, April confesses to Jackson that her Tinder date was terrible and that she HATES dating and doesn’t know how people do this and I found myself thinking “Yes! Yes, that is exactly how I feel!”. She talks about how all her exes have been friends turned into lovers, or coworkers, or men she just met and fell into a relationship with, and that she doesn’t know how people do this whole dating thing. It occurred to me in that moment that I am still SUPER closed off mentally to the idea of dating, and it kinda got my wheels turning a bit. Flash forward to this past Saturday, and I felt like my anti-dating mindset got even more ammo for it’s ‘fight against dates’ when I caught up with a good friend and she gave me the low down on her latest disastrous rendezvous.

So the story goes that my friend met this guy at a pub last weekend, and he asked her out to dinner a few days later. The disaster started when her date showed up drunk, and continued as he ordered a shot of tequila (along with other drinks) with dinner, called his mom some very bad names, spoke about his ex-girlfriend at great length and told her about his 2 recent DUI charges…just a lot of not so good stuff all wrapped up into one very uncomfortable meal! I honestly sat there completely in shock (and laughing quite a bit to be honest lol) as she relayed the story to me…and I just kept thinking – if I have a free night to have dinner with someone, let it be someone I know and love and whose company I enjoy! Why would I spend a night out with a stranger just hoping that maybe one day I’ll meet the right stranger?!

So I sat on this for awhile, feeling all high and mighty about how I don’t need no man in my life, and then the real deal feelings started creeping in. While I may not want to date RIGHT NOW because I’m hyper-focused on my passion projects and career, I’m sure I will eventually want a partner to share my life with. I think what I’m so scared about when I imagine a new relationship, is the idea that I will lose myself in someone else again, because that has been my modus operandi in every single relationship I’ve ever had.  I can sit behind this keyboard and write all day about how happy I am, how much I love my life, and how proud I am of all that I’ve accomplished since splitting with my husband (all of which is true, true, true), but if I’m 100% honest, inside I am SO scared that I will lose all that if I let someone in again.

I guess what I’ve decided while reflecting on and writing this post, is that I just need more time by myself right now, growing in self love, accomplishing my wildest dreams, and becoming the very best version of myself I could ever imagine, before I partner up with someone in a relationship. I know when the time is right the Universe will put that perfect-for-me person on my path, and until that happens I will withhold my judgment about dating and have faith that the man of my dreams will come along in whatever way he’s meant to, whenever the time is absolutely right. XO

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Synchronicity for the win…

First things first – I got some good eyeball news today!!!!  It looks like my blind spot has healed, and the residual blurriness I’m now seeing is from the stitch holding my implant in place. That’ll be removed in early January and apparently it’ll be back to normal sight after that – WOOHOO!!  I honestly feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders, because despite my best efforts I was incredibly stressed about my eye situation. I think it no coincidence that I started reciting health-based affirmations yesterday, and today my eye is pretty much all healed up – the power of our thoughts and the Universe will never cease to amaze me! This brings me to the subject of today’s post – synchronicity and how what we put out, comes back to us.

About a month ago I hired my dance instructor Allie Sommerville to give me private vegan cooking classes. Allie is not only a kick ass dancer but she’s a certified holistic nutritionist as well, and I was looking for some help getting back to a plant-based diet to help with my arthritis pain. The morning before she came over, I met my friend for coffee and declared that I had decided I was going to teach a dance class. I had watched an episode of Dancing with the Stars the night before, and was in tears watching one of the dance routines. I think in that moment I realized just how passionate I am about dancing, and thought it would be an amazing gift to be able to teach a class one day. So fast forward to Allie coming over for our 3 hour class that afternoon (you seriously NEED to check out her Facebook page From Allie With Love and get her into your kitchen STAT – she’s incredible!) and I started asking her questions about how she became a dance teacher. I told her about the show I’d watched and how inspired I was to teach a class and guess what she said?! She was looking for someone to mentor as her substitute when she’s away from the studio – and she thought I’d be perfect for the job!!!! Ummmm, what?!?! SIGN ME UP!!!!

The synchronicity doesn’t stop there either! I had already been chatting with the amazing owner of Soul Sessions Alicia about an energy exchange, and Allie suggested that I start teaching as her substitute on an energy exchange (for those not in the know, this basically means that instead of paying a membership fee at the studio, I work for free to offset my registration), which was a total win-win for everyone. We all met up the following week, discussed the details and guess who’s teaching her first dance class on December 12th?!?! THIS GIRL!!!!

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On top of ALLLLLLLL this amazingness, Allie (who is clearly helping guide me down a path full of awesome right now) also hooked me up with a website designer that day! I had been desperately seeking help in building a website (coming atcha in January 2017 peeps!) for some projects I am SUPER excited about, but kept coming up against brick walls. Allie suggested I speak to Sara (who she knew from dance class), the owner of an amazing web design company called Prestige Digital. Sara and I met, I instantly knew she was the person I wanted to partner with for my site (I’m convinced we’re soul sisters from the mountains), and so another box was checked off my to-do list! Stay tuned for loads and loads and loads of posts about the upcoming greatness I’ve got on the horizon…I’m not going to be able to shut up about it soon lol!

So yeah, coming full circle here, I just really want to emphasize how much I believe that what we TALK about will inevitably COME about. If you have a dream, or some crazy thought you’ve been conjuring up in the back of your mind, start TALKING about it with anyone who will listen! When we put things out into the Universe, the Universe responds by giving us the means to achieve our wildest dreams. I know that talking to Allie during our cooking class that day has undoubtedly changed the course of my life forever. Not only am I putting my health on the front burner again with diet and exercise, but I’m accomplishing my dream of being a dance instructor in spire of all the physical obstacles I’ve come up against over the past 8 years. I also found a partner to build the website of my dreams…literally. This site will make my life’s goal of helping people rock their break ups a reality, and I know it’s all just the very beginning of the super cool, windy, topsy-turvy, crazy fun road sprawled out in front of me..how freaking exciting is that?! XO

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