I’ve only ever had a really hard time writing two blog posts…one about my trip to Nashville last summer (which I never published because I couldn’t get it out) and this one, which I’ve started and erased several times, and still don’t really know how to start or what I want to say. Part of me just wants to vent about how much is sucks to have your heart broken (again), and part of me just wants to forget it ever happened and move on. In being true to myself though, and working through the process, I feel like I need to write.
I’ve started re-watching Sex and the City this week, and I can’t even believe how relevant this show is to my life now that I’m a 30-something single woman. I always loved the show when I watched it in my 20s (and by loved I mean was obsessed with lol), but I’m not even kidding when I say that every single episode is an epiphany right now, as I once again find myself struggling through the emotions that come with losing someone from your life that you care about.
Now I never talked about the new guy in my life on here for a few reasons. The most relevant one being that he read my blog, and I didn’t really think that letting someone I was just getting to know “in” on my private thoughts and feelings (about him) was a good idea, at least not at the beginning of our relationship. I mean, I’ve always kind of thrown myself into past relationships very quickly, but after what happened with my (soon to be ex) husband last year, I am guarded and not quite as trusting, and just really wanted to take things slower this time around. This was thankfully made a bit easier for me because we were in a unique situation as it was…this guy and I met online (see my past post about joining Tinder for details 😉 ) and he was deployed overseas so our relationship was developed solely online, and not in person. Basically, this means that over the past four months we started a relationship by exchanging hundreds (seriously, last he told me I think it was over 400) of emails, thousands of texts and instant messages, and spent hundreds of hours talking on Skype and online. Eventually, as we connected further, my emotional walls came down and I really started to care about this guy A LOT. We talked about being exclusive, the words boyfriend and girlfriend were thrown around, and lots of big plans were made for when he got home this February.
I have to tell you, telling people that I’d fallen for a guy online that I’d never met was met with loads of skepticism, criticism and some confusion (and encouragement, love and support too), but I had faith that what we had was real and I knew that my feelings were super real. I consider myself a very intuitive person, and it just felt so right. There was a chemistry and a bond there (again, all this having never met) that I couldn’t ignore, so despite my reservations and fear, I jumped in head (and heart) first. I came to really trust him as we got to know each other, and probably even love him a little, and was just so incredibly excited to meet him.
So fast forward to two weeks ago when he was heading home, and was sending me excited, super sweet and thoughtful messages as he boarded the plane about how he couldn’t wait to meet me, how much he cared about me, and how amazing I am. I can honestly say I have never been more excited to meet someone, and for the promise of what could become something amazing. And then…silence…or I should say one email, and then silence.
I don’t even know if I can properly express the emotions that I’ve felt over the past few weeks, but if I had to put it on paper (which clearly I do) I’d have to say pain, confusion, hurt, bewilderment, frustration, sadness, fear, worry, CONFUSION (I could write this one down about 200 times here), and basically every other emotion that comes when you realize your heart is about to be broken. No answers, no explanations, no sense to be made of anything, just SILENCE. Like seriously, what the motherfucking fuck? The one email I got had absolutely no information that could’ve led me to believe that anything was wrong, in fact it posed a question, gave me information about what his plans were, and implied that he still planned to come out and meet me. So what the hell happened??
I still chuckle when I think about my sister’s response to the situation. “This is actually the worst thing that could happen to someone like you…you’re so in your head, you’re just going to try to figure out what happened on a loop ad nauseum”…I feel like she couldn’t be more right. The hours I’ve spent trying to make sense of the senseless in this situation have certainly been the most frustrating hours I’ve spent in awhile. I mean, why even start something with me online, carry it on for months and then not put the effort in to meet me in person and see what happens? There’s just nothing about it that makes any sense to me. I’ve obviously thought up a few (million lol) reasons why he would ghost out, but what I have to come to terms with is the fact that I really may never find out. I still find myself expecting to hear from him with an apology, or an explanation, or SOMETHING…wishful thinking maybe, but I guess it’s still hard to believe that I’ll never hear from him again.
I’ve found myself wondering since this happened, how someone could convince themselves that just disappearing is better or fairer than being honest about why you’ve changed your mind. Like what could you possibly say that would be worse than nothing? It was all a joke to you, and you didn’t mean anything you said? Okay, well seems like I’ve dodged a sociopathic bullet. You met someone else that you like better? Hard to believe but been there done that…my husband left me for a girl he met online through nude photos last year – I’ll be okay. You’ve decided you don’t want a relationship anymore? Well, that’s dumb because I’m awesome, but your loss. See?! Nothing is worse than nothing.
So now, the hard part…moving forward and working through the hurt. You know, it’s funny how you almost forget how shitty it is to have your heart broken…I joked with my friend the other day that it’s like how women forget how much childbirth hurts so that they get pregnant again and rock that whole evolution thing. I have to wonder, if we really remembered how much break ups suck, would we ever put ourselves out there again? Obviously we would, or we’d all be single for life, but I have to be honest, it’s a lot to think about right now…
Okay, so this is not where the story ends…it’s rah rah, pick myself up and put on my big girl panties time, but I need sleep so part 2 will follow tomorrow…XO